Breaking up
by Belker
Summary: Tony and Jeanne have a little "chat". I've added another chapter that is more of a tag to Internal Affairs.
1. Chapter 1

**Breaking up (down?)**

The expression on her face made him ache inside.

"Why, Tony?" she said quietly, then started sobbing. "Why?"

She tried to look him in the eyes, his beautiful, beautiful eyes, but he turned away.

He couldn't deal with honesty right now. Blunt accusations, outbursts, crying, screaming, anger, yes…but not honesty. So he simply looked away.

"I can't. Jeanne. I just can't."

His voice stern and calm, his feelings the opposite. She could never know that.

He had been there before. It was dangerous, this road he had taken. Too dangerous. He would get hurt, he was sure of it. He had been hurt before - his childhood was filled with hurt - but this was different. Worse. She had meant so much, had come so close. Too freaking dangerous.

He silently cursed his mother and father for sending him off into this world so badly bruised that he could never trust anybody with his love ever again. It was a reflex burned so deep in his soul it could not be removed this side of eternity.

She was mad at him, no, furious. For not getting a response. For hiding what she knew must be true. For looking so god damned blank. She knew she had lost him and she cried. Because of him. Because he had made silent promises he wouldn't - couldn't - keep.

His eyes were glistening with threatening tears, but he knew they wouldn't fall. They never did.

He couldn't give her the 'why'.

"I'm so sorry."

And just like that, he turned away.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi. My muse seems to have forgotten to buy a return ticket from wherever she's gone. Soooo... I've decided to upload this little tag to 'Internal Affairs' that's been on my laptop forever. I get goose bumps whenever I watch that elevator scene between Tony and Jeanne._

_I just loved Paula's comments to Tony in 'Grace Period'. They are the ones on top, before the tag to 'IA' begins._

_Nothing fancy, but hopefully you'll enjoy it._

* * *

"I can't tell her."

"Why can't you tell her, Tony? It's just three little words; I love you.

You know, Tony, it's a cliché, but it's true. Life is too short to not tell someone you love them if you do… And you do."

_Oh yeah. When you put it like that it almost sounds easy, Paula. It's not. Believe me, it's not._

* * *

"Was any of it real, Tony?"

Her pleading eyes revealed so much hurt, and he knew he was the one responsible for it. Her voice was trembling, and he knew he was responsible for that too. And the tears trapped in her eyelashes, on the brink of falling? Yep… his work.

He felt like throwing up.

Was any of it real?

What could he tell her? That it had been as real as anything he had ever known? That he had never loved anyone as true, and with as much intensity in his sorry excuse for a life? That they could never make it work and that he too had been hurt when all she left him was that letter. What the _hell_ could he tell her without destroying her?

He felt the bile rise in his throat as he thought about the way he had let himself get involved with this girl - this means of getting intel on their suspect - in such an easy way. Like a probie, for God's sake.

He knew that if he told her the truth, she would get hurt, and not just for tonight but perhaps permanently. He thought about it for a few seconds. Considered his life without her. It would go back to the way it was. No true feelings. No display of emotion. His old life would haunt him, and he knew he may never outrun the nightmares again.

Was any of it real?

He heard the blood roar in his ears and had to muster up all his undercover training. He was good at it, the undercover thing, he knew that for sure. That was what he should be doing, not the family thing. The love thing. Who was he trying to kid, anyway?

He had no choice. He _made_ a choice. He had to tell her.

His face was that of a totally honest, godforsaken jerk. He didn't blink, he didn't flinch. He looked her straight in the eye and told her.

"No."

And his heart broke.

* * *

_Although I never really liked Jeanne, I absolutely think Tony did love her. Or thought he did. He doesn't have much to compare with, does he?_


End file.
